


White Christmas

by cassiopeia221B



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Christmas, Fireplaces, Freebatch - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, RPF, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 01:16:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5563162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiopeia221B/pseuds/cassiopeia221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I don't suggest that any of these events happen, this work is a work of fiction, it has nothing to do with reality... you know how it goes, we're going to hell anyway so enjoy</p>
    </blockquote>





	White Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't suggest that any of these events happen, this work is a work of fiction, it has nothing to do with reality... you know how it goes, we're going to hell anyway so enjoy

Fifty seven minutes. That’s how long he’s been fiddling with his phone, his finger hesitantly hovering over the call button. Ben has already lost count of how many times he was about to press that button over the past couple of days. Each time he thought he was ready to take that step, he realised that Martin might not even be interested in talking to him just yet, not after what happened between them the last time they’d spoken to each other.

Ben can still recollect the image of that scene, he can see it quite vividly – the disappointment and anger blazing in Martin’s eyes. Martin was _fuming_ and rightly so, his chin quivering and little fists shaking in utmost resentment. That man had rarely been so angry; he didn’t even give Ben a chance to apologise. He’d slammed the door and left Ben standing behind, paralysed and on the verge of tears, refusing to contact him ever since the hassle.

In that very moment Ben felt like an utter coward, hurting the person he loved the most in the whole universe, just because he had been so afraid of the possible consequences of coming out and publicly admitting his feelings for Martin. Martin, on the other hand, has been prepared to commit himself to Ben, entirely, unconditionally, he had even managed to finally cut all the ties with his (now already ex) partner of sixteen years, so he and Ben could spend the next couple of decades together. None of that seemed to matter, all because of the fear that had clouded Ben’s mind and took control of him, making him do and say things he would never even think of if he wasn’t so scared.

But after days of faltering between what Ben craves for and what the world of approve of, the already overwhelming need to hear Martin’s voice again seems to be finally winning over this poisonous fear. He’s been awake for an hour already, lying alone in bed whilst absently hypnotising the screen of his phone, toying with the notion that after days of useless wallowing, he should finally do the right thing and fight what has been tying his hands for so long. Martin might have already appeased his anger after all, but even if that wasn’t the case, he is still worth taking this huge risk, Ben concludes, cursing under his breath for not being able to admit it sooner. Ben has already regretted what he’d said. In fact, he had felt regret the same moment he’d seen Martin disappearing behind the door and ever since then he hasn’t stop wishing to go back in time and fix the mistake even before he’s done it.

Apologise, that’s what Ben has to do. He’d wanted to, immediately, right after the moment of betraying Martin’s heart but Martin was too confused and hurt to give him a chance. Ben wasn’t even sure what exactly he’d say, he’s still struggling. Even if Martin was willing to listen to him this time, he has no words prepared, just the last glimmer of hope that he’s going to be forgiven despite everything that had happened between them.

After a moment of reconsidering the idea that’s just crossed his mind, an idea that could end up being either the most brilliant or the most disastrous one ever, he draws a long, shaky breath, his finger trembling slightly before he finally taps the screen. There’s a moment of wavering before he puts the phone next to his ear, frightened of both - Martin’s reaction and the possible outcome of the decisions he’s just made.

Five short beeps, then another one, maybe Martin will ignore him, Ben thinks, he wouldn’t put it past him under such circumstances. But then the bleeping halts and there’s a click. As soon as Ben recognises Martin’s voice, his stomach sinks, half in surprise, half in relief, a tiny word escaping his throat before he’s even able to think of what would be appropriate to say.

“M-Martin?“

“I assume you didn’t expect the Queen of England, considering it’s _you_ who decided to call this number.“ Martin’s voice is rough, almost gravelly, nothing like the usual mellow, blissfully tender tone of voice he’s saving when talking to Ben.

“I just – I can’t believe you’ve answered,“ Ben clears his throat awkwardly, suddenly lost for words. Fortunately enough, Martin doesn’t let the heavy silence to interfere. It would be much more difficult for both of them.

“If I have to be honest with you… me neither-“ he mutters, running a hand down his careworn face. “I just hope you didn’t call to assure me that you’re still-“ Martin’s words fade into an exasperated sigh once Ben hastily intermits, not giving Martin enough time to finish his sentence.

“God, don’t be ridiculous, Martin, I should be _apologising_ ,“ Ben cries out.

“Well, yes, there is no doubt,“ Martin assents. “I am glad that you’ve finally taken responsibility for what happened, that’s a first.“

Ben’s reply comes in form of a barely audible whimper. “I know I’ve fucked up,“ he sighs apologetically. “I am sorry, Martin, I _did_ want to apologise as soon as – Look, Martin, I was about to call you _so_ many times but I was so afraid of your reaction. It wasn’t particularly easy to muster up enough courage.“

“It never is. I’ve been – hell, I’ve almost made a mistake of calling you first,“ Martin admits, snarling through his gritted teeth.

“You-you have?“

“Yes, but what would be the point, Ben? _You’re_ the one who should be rectifying your mistakes in the first place. Fine, I admit, I’ve reacted maybe a _bit_ harshly, I am sorry, but can you fucking blame me? I’ve given up _everything_ just because of _you_ , for fuck’s sake I told you-I-“ Martin swallows nervously, his voice dropping below a whisper even though there’s no one around who could overhear their conversation. “I told you that I _love_ you, Ben. Don’t you realise how bloody hard it was for me to confess such a thing? I said stuff I’ve never dared to say aloud before and what did _you_ give me in return?“

“You don’t have to remind me,“ Ben sniffs, anxiously crumpling the lapel of his pyjama shirt. He’d imagined that Martin was going to react similarly, yet such raw, unfamiliar voice is something he has not been completely prepared for. “I regret that I couldn’t act like you’d expected me to,“ he says at last, cautious and coy. “But you have to trust me, Martin. I’ve been thinking about it, about all the things you’ve said, about _us_ and what could be… only if I wasn’t such an idiot. You _know_ I feel the same about you, you know I want to be with you, but you should as well know that it’s as hard for me as it is for you. Martin-Martin, please, we need to talk about this as soon as possible. In-in person, of course,“ he adds, hinting subtly at what he had come up with of not even three minutes prior.

Martin can practically hear the sound of Ben’s eyes welling up. It breaks his heart, to not being able to stand by Ben’s side in this very moment, to not be there to soothe him, but he’s still angry at him, no matter how much he wishes they could forget about everything and start afresh, together.

“I-Martin, I-“

“No, don’t-“ Martin cuts him off, taking a long pause, almost as if he was reluctant to continue. “I know what you want to say. Just don’t, Ben, it’s going to make everything worse. Don’t you dare to say it like this.“

This time it’s Ben who hesitates before responding. He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to collect himself. Ben doubts there’s a way to make this situation even worse yet he decides to be careful. If he said something that would result in Martin hanging up and never talking to him again, he would undoubtedly hate himself for the rest of his life.

“Martin, please, listen to me,“ he pleads at last, his voice shaking with a variety of emotions. “I know that I’ve been acting like an arsehole sometimes, _especially_ the last time we’ve seen each other but I _do_ want to fix this. Give me a chance, just one more chance, sweetheart.“

“Don’t _sweetheart_ on me,“ Martin growls, his jaw clenching in frustration,  his voice dropping dangerously low. “Where’s my guaranty that you’re not going to screw it again? How can I be sure that you’re _really_ determined to make this work?“

“I-you have my word, Martin,“ Ben utters, his voice radiating with sincerity and remorse. “I promise you, I won’t let you down this time, I swear, no more back-pedalling, no more excuses, no more betraying.“

There’s no response coming from the other side. Ben’s heart is wildly hammering inside his chest, the uncertainty is almost too painful to bear. For a couple of agonizing seconds he can hear nothing but the sound of Martin’s ragged breathing until the man finally offers a reply.

“God Ben, you drive me mad,“ Martin groans. “ _Fine_ , as you wish but remember, this is your one and _only_ chance to redeem yourself.“

Ben can only hardly cover the tone of relief in his voice. He springs up from the bed, full of new-found energy and joy, bouncing around the room like an over-excited puppy. “Thank you, _thank you_ , Martin, I won’t disappoint you, I-“

“Fine, fine, easy there, don’t spoil it,“ Martin warns him. “What –what exactly do you have in mind?“

Ben replies in an instant, blurting out the words as fast as if his life was at stake. “Are you free on the weekend?“

“Yeah, yeah, of course,“ Martin nods even though Ben can’t actually see him. “I’ve been free since forever already,“ he retorts, letting out a disgruntled sough. “So you want me to come over your place for a couple of days, that’s what you’re suggesting? Are you sure-“

“No, that’s not what I meant,“ Ben shakes his head. “It would be inconvenient to stay at my apartment. My neighbours know of my every move, Martin. I think we both can agree on that we need none of that, what we desperately need is _privacy_ ,“ he remarks.

“So… my place?“

“Not at all.“

“Don’t tell me you want us to stay in a hotel, Ben,“ Martin frowns.

“Who said anything about hotels? I have a much better idea, erhm- a surprise for you… no one is going to disturb us there,“ Ben smiles for himself. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow at two, if that’s okay with you,“ he adds. “Pack enough warm clothes, it’s going to get cold.“

Despite the indisputable excitement in Ben’s voice, Martin still hesitates, almost as if he could never again trust Ben with the same kind of solid confidence like he used to. “I’ll ask you once more... are you _sure_ of this Ben?“ he asks. “You think spending a weekend together while this – this _rift_ between us still exists-“

“That’s _exactly_ why we should spend some time together,“ Ben points out. “I guess that that’s the only way how to make things work again. We’re going to have enough time to fix what I broke.“

“Jesus, you’re keep talking about - _fixing_ us but unless you’re willing to –“ Martin pipes down abruptly, sudden realisation he can hardly even believe crossing his mind. “You – did you – God, Ben, you’d agree on… going public? Have I understood this correctly? You’re not just saying it, you –you _really_ want to be with me?“ he asks, stuttering in shock.

“More than anything,“ Ben replies after a second of reconsideration, sheepish and a little awkward, neither he can’t believe his own words. Martin, still quite abashed, takes time to process this new wave of information.

“Well…,“ he starts after a moment, clearing his throat a couple of times before being able to response. “Even if that’s the case… doesn’t mean I am not mad anymore. It’s not like you just magically erased the memory of you hurting me like that out of my mind.“

“I understand, Martin.“

“Besides, I have to make sure that you _truly_ mean this, Ben,“ Martin adds, almost as if he wasn’t even listening to Ben anymore. “I have to make sure you’re prepared. Don’t take me wrong but you’re might as well be fibbing just so you can earn my forgiveness. It won’t be that easy, Ben. I know you so fucking well. I am sorry but I can’t trust you again without being one hundred percent sure that you’re ready, not when I know it usually takes you _ages_ until you finally kick yourself to do the right decision.“

“Not this time, Martin,“ Ben says, trying to sound determined but failing quite miserably. Martin’s right, they both know it. It’s difficult to forget about all the awful things they’d shouted at each other, especially Ben, in the midst of utter panic and anxiety. Yet neither of them retreats.

“You’ve given me a chance and I _won’t_ waste it,“ Ben continues. “You mean too much for me, I can’t just give up on you as if you were just a small, negligible part of my life. I know it’s going to be fucking hard work but I guess… I-I I’ve realised that I should just... _try_. Try to be braver, for you, for _us_ , Martin, because you were right. We belong to each other and losing this would be the worst thing that’d ever happen to me. Even if the world might give up on us I don’t want to, not even though I am so scared of what happens if we... go public as an official couple. If you still want us to be of course.“

“Fuck, _Ben_ ,“ Martin snorts, shaking his head in disbelief. “Shut up, already. Why couldn’t you say this in the first place? Why did we have to go through all of that bullshit before reaching this point? Most importantly, why are you telling me all this via a fucking phone?“

“I am-I am sorry, Martin, for everything. That just… happened,“ Ben stammers, restlessly twiddling with his fingers. He didn’t even lie, the truth is that he has no idea where did all _that_ suddenly come from. “I hope you didn’t change your mind,“ he adds quickly, squeezing the phone in his hand so tight his knuckles turn pale.

Martin offers an instant response. “No, of course not. In fact, you’ve just convinced me that we _do_ need to talk in person, as soon as possible. It’s fucking absurd, discussing such important issues over a phone… so, t-tomorrow then?“

“Tomorrow,“ Ben nods.

_***_

Neither of them slept well that night. Martin was tossing and turning around, kicking away the sheets in the middle of the night out of the sheer frustration. He had packed immediately once hanging up the phone and since he had nothing better to do that day he just paced around his empty house for hours, wondering whether the idea of spending such a weekend with Ben was truly a good one. On the other hand, Ben must’ve been right, Martin inferred. It was maybe their last chance to pull their act together and talk, maybe even make that definite step forward and tell the world they’ve been secretly, more or less, dating for months already.

If it was up to Martin, he’d tell the entire world how madly he’s been in love with Ben ever since the day he saw him for the very first time. He’d tell everyone how brilliant and sweet their first kiss was, how both of them blushed and stood petrified for a couple of moments, until Martin burst into spontaneous giggles and Ben along with him, failing in his desperate attempt to shush the other man down.  Martin would tell everyone, only if Ben wouldn’t be so frightened of their reactions.

Martin doesn’t care, yet he’d never do anything to purposefully make Ben so uncomfortable. Even though his patience has been wearing thin for so long, he doesn’t want to lose Ben just because he’s not prepared to come out and officially announce they’re together. What Ben had said however, that hurt Martin deeply. The moment Martin had poured his heart out and confessed how profoundly he’s been in love with Ben, Ben panicked and claimed they could never become an official couple and so stabbed an imaginary dagger in Martin’s back. Martin hasn’t forgiven him, not yet. He’s waiting for the final proof that Ben is taking it seriously, that it’s not just another attempt to reconcile and then once Martin forgives him, he’s going to scamper off like a terrified rabbit again.

Martin might be a tad unsure yet running away from his problems are not Ben’s intentions, not this time anyway. Unlike Martin, Ben didn’t even bother trying to fall asleep that night. He’s been awake the whole time, mentally preparing himself for what was about to come the following day. So when the sun rose high, he was exhausted, but at least composed and ready enough to face Martin in person.

_***_

1:56 PM. Martin once again glances up at the clock above the kitchen table, almost as if he couldn’t decide whether he wants the time to stop or move faster. Ben is supposed to arrive any minute and here’s Martin, agitated and squirming on the chair in anticipation, his fingers drumming over the wooden surface in an irregular rhythm. His eyes are quickly flicking from one place to another as he tries to concentrate and distract his mind for a moment but as it transpires, basking in such silence only reminds him how drastically things have changed.

These rooms have been empty for months already, ever since Amanda packed her things and left, taking not only their children and dogs with her but also the memories they’d shared. It’s not her Martin misses the most, he can cope. Parting their ways has been the best they could’ve done after all. Martin has to admit that the past few months have not been ideal between him and Amanda, not even close. Maybe even more accurately - _years_. They were arguing on a daily basis, never sharing a nice, warm moment of genuine affection, they were able to pull on a façade and successfully pretend in front of others but in reality, the spark was long lost and gone. The fact that Martin has been in love with Ben didn’t help either. He’s always felt like Ben is _the one_ , that click that happens only once in a lifetime. Martin has been drawn to Ben like a moth to the flame, since the very starts, seldom ever showcasing it in public but he’s a master in hiding his true feelings, not even Ben noticed at first.

Amanda did, eventually. And unfortunately for Martin, she’s been trying to save their partnership even though Martin had no intentions continuing like this. They both were suffering by each other’s side and despite loving his family so deeply, Martin wasn’t willing to spend the next three dozens of years like that, not even for the sake of their children, who were already old enough to understand and as it turned out, they took their parents’ decisions quite bravely, much to Martin’s surprise.

Martin would probably spend another half an hour needlessly brooding about the past, if it wasn’t for a ring and rather a cautious knock on the door that snap him out of the pointless pondering. At first he hesitates, until there’s another, this time a more audacious knock. That’s when his fists clench and he rises up, striding toward the anteroom.

Once he opens the door, there’s Ben, standing there with his hands in the pockets of his favourite jeans and a wide, bright smile on his lips, almost as if he forgot that they’re still supposed to be in the middle of a quarrel and only a minority of their issues is in fact resolved. If the conditions were different, Martin would immediately wrap his arms around Ben’s shoulders, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug and a long-lasting, passionate kiss, but this time he can but greet him.

“Hey there,“ Martin manages to flash Ben a bittersweet smile at least, but his eyes are pinned upon the threshold. “You’re three minutes late,“ he adds after a moment of awkward silence, lifting his gaze at once so he can look in Ben’s eyes.

“Better later than never, hm?“ Ben titters, rocking back and forth on his feet. “Are you ready to go, or –“

“No… I mean _yes_ , of course, I-I just – just let me grab my bag.“

“Right, do you need me to carry anything for you?“

“Wh-what?“ Martin frowns. “No, of course not, I can handle it quite well, thank you.“ He quickly turns on his heels and heads back to the kitchen, almost tripping over his own feet in such a hurry. Once he returns to the anteroom again, the doors are still ajar so he can see that Ben is already seated behind the wheel of his car, glaring in Martin’s direction and still smiling which is, however, rather annoying at the moment. Martin has still mixed feelings about this entire situation yet Ben is acting so obnoxiously jauntily that for a moment, Martin considers returning back to the house and cancel their plans for good. Not so surprisingly – he doesn’t. He steps forth instead, making his way through the white mass of snow that shines brightly in the frosty afternoon sun.

“Fasten your belt,“ Ben requests once Martin tosses his bag over the backseat. He circles around the car, voluntarily taking a seat next to Ben but shutting the door behind him with a loud thud and so letting the other man know that he’s still rather furious.

“Sure,“ Martin grumbles quietly upon doing what he’d obviously do even if Ben didn’t ask, so it only adds fuel to the already long lasting fire.

“Hope you’re not about to take me somewhere I can’t escape from if the things don’t go according to your ingenious plan,“ he adds upon nestling himself comfortably. “I know I’ve agreed on this, but there’s been a lot of doubt as well, Ben. There still _is._ “

“I don’t blame you, Martin,“ Ben utters, inhaling sharply, his grip on the wheel tightening.  “But we both know that we need this, right? I don’t want to lose you, Martin, under any circumstances. I told you – I do want to be with you. It’s only a matter of time, these -these couple of days we’ll spend together… I am counting on that we can make it work again, I am putting all my effort in it, Martin, I swear.“

Once again, Martin catches himself being barely able to resists. The temptation to grab Ben by his coat collar and lean in for a kiss is too alluring, yet he simply can’t act as if everything was alright just yet, not even once realising that Ben is most likely being truly, completely honest with him this time.

“Good God, just start the car and go already,“ he hisses instead, having to force himself to actually divert his eyes off Ben’s plump lips.

They barely utter another word on their way. Save for Ben asking Martin if he’s not cold every fifteen minutes and Martin trying to find out where exactly they’re going, making a guess every now and then, it’s mostly a silent ride. The more hours pass, however, the more impatient he gets. Scenery doesn’t change even after the sun sets down. The roads are lined with trees on both sides, rich, endless sea of pine green, weighing down under the heaviness of snow. Once it’s dark outside and Martin can scarcely see, he can’t even stare out of the window anymore, it’s useless to pretend that he’s still interested in counting the blurry silhouettes of spruces, pines and firs they’re leaving behind.

“Jesus, Ben,“ he snaps and winces after a short moment, throwing a sullen glance at Ben.

“We’re almost there don’t worry,“ Ben assures him, knowing exactly what’s going through Martin’s mind. “It’s too dark, I have to go carefully. Are you going to blame for being heedful?“

“Of course not. But you could have come and pick me up sooner, if that’s what’s bothering you,“ Martin grunts.

“I had some errands to run,“ Ben explains, clearing his throat awkwardly. “You know how difficult things are… when your ex-partner tries to make a hell out of your life.“

Martin snorts. “Didn’t have to rub it in my face like this, darling.“

“I-I am sorry,“ Ben apologises briskly, wondering whether Martin used a pet name as a form of endearment or to mock him. Probably the latter, Ben thinks.

Only a couple of more minutes pass until Ben grins and beckons in front of himself with a happy sigh. “There, look,“ he points out once turning the car right and leading it off the main road, deeper into the woods and down a forlorn route that appears to be sparely ever used.

Martin squints so he can see through the thick wall of fluttering snow. “A… _cabin_?“ His eyebrow quirks at the sight of a small wooden lodge that stands lonely in the dark, about fifty feet in front of them.

“So _this_ is supposed to be that surprise?“ he asks, a wry crook, only vaguely resembling a smile, on his lips.

Ben clears his throat once again, lowering his eyes as if he felt ashamed all of a sudden. “Ehm – well, I certainly didn’t expect you to be over the moon but I thought you’d like it at least,“ he utters incoherently, his voice barely above an audible level.

“No, I mean – I –“ Martin stammers and sighs, unbuckling his belt so he can lean closer to Ben. “Look, Ben, this is the most perfect idea of spending a weekend together.“

“R-really?“ Ben’s chin wobbles as he risks a glance at Martin.

Martin sighs again, heavy and a bit theatrical, pursing his lips for a moment. “God, yes, _but -_ until it’s not perfectly settled between us, I just can’t bring myself to enjoy any of this properly. Why do you think I am being so fucking grumpy all the time? I hope you understand, you _should_ , Ben.“

“I-I-of course-I do, Martin,“ Ben nods frantically.

“Good… So, what do you say? Shall we go inside? I am getting sick of this car already, if I have to be honest.“ Martin barely finishes his sentence, he is already outside, trudging through the snow with Ben right behind his heels.

“Wait, let me-“ Ben offers his help, gallantly opening the door for Martin. He seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that right now, he’s trying perhaps a tad too hard even though it might not even be necessary. Martin is about to finally reprimand him for such obtrusive behaviour but once they step inside, his mind immediately blacks out for a moment, jaw hanging open at the sight of hundreds of colourful ornaments, hanging off in all kinds of shapes and sizes, strings of shining fairy lights draped around the wooden walls and boughs of holly over the mantelpiece, along with four red candles that are never going to serve their original purpose but they perfectly complement the festive atmosphere. The warmth and cosiness of the place kindly invite Martin right into their open arms, the ever so dazzling smell of wood, cinnamon and apples hits him as soon as he walks further into the room. His eyes fall upon a large, gloriously decorated Christmas tree placed in the corner of the room, towering above Martin proudly as the man saunters toward the open kitchen. Bowl of deliciously looking gingerbread cookies that lays on the counter is a sign of that Ben must’ve had enough time to bake as well, as much as a surprise that was. Despite everything, he has truly outdone himself this time, Martin has to admit.

“Have you done all this by yourself?“ he asks, turning back to face Ben who’s nervously shuffling his feet in anticipation of Martin’s reaction.

“Y-yeah, I have,“ Ben nods, shy, pleased smile crossing his lips.

“Well, I must say – I mean, if I wasn’t still angry with you, I’d say that it _is_ rather beautiful Ben.“ The corner of Martin’s lip tugs up into a half smile, maybe unwillingly, yet Ben’s heart melts into a puddle at such sweet sight he’s been yearning to see for so long.

“I know how you love getting festive,“ he adds, tossing his coat over the sofa before approaching Martin, each of his step being wary. He catches Martin’s eye and for glimpse of a moment, it feels like the old, trouble-free times when they could giggle together and kiss, not caring about anything yet, besides making each other happy. It wasn’t perfect, not at all, yet still enough. But then Martin breaks the eye contact and it feels like Ben’s bubble of hope just burst and they’re right where they were before.

Nevertheless, he decides to cut the silence. “Well then,“ he rubs the back of his neck, quite a sad smile on his lips. “Since you’ve made yourself home already, how about a cup of hot chocolate, hm?“

“Just tea for me, thanks,“ Martin replies, giving the room another thorough once over before he decides to sink down in quite an antique looking plush chair that stands in front of the fireplace.

“So, this… place-“ he starts slowly, trying to broach a subject, mundane and boring enough to save them some time and ease off the tension before they somehow reach the point of discussing more important issues.

 “It used to belong to my parents,“ Ben reacts in an instant, not even giving Martin a chance to continue. It’s almost as if he could read the other man’s mind, although Martin’s risen eyebrows are enough of a sign that he should not be trying that again, not anytime soon.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to – I am sorry,“ Ben murmurs, rushing to put on the kettle. “You just seemed curious so – I –“

“Ben, _don’t_ ,“ Martin flashes him a sharp look, such a stern one that no other words are needed.

Ben is about to apologise once again but he decides to rather bite his tongue and glance away instead, certainly not only so he can pour milk into his mug. It would be maybe easier if his hands weren’t trembling all of a sudden, maybe he wouldn’t accidentally push over and break one of the mugs and so spill hot milk all over the counter and plank flooring. Martin jerks up at the shrill sound that fills the room once the mug teeters on the edge and falls down, shattering into several pieces.

“Jesus, I am so fucking clumsy,“ Ben curses, crouching down to the pick up the shards. “I am so-“

“Whatever, it was just a bloody mug. Don’t-don’t hurt yourself,“ Martin’s voice is suddenly soft and full of concern, he’d already noticed that Ben is definitely not feeling like himself today, yet he subconsciously decided to ignore it. Or maybe it was just his own pride and anger fogging his senses and only once seeing Ben in such condition he realises that being so cruel to him is going to help no one, he doesn’t even deserve such an attitude after all.

“Hey, Ben… is everything-“

“It’s not your fault,“ Ben shakes his head, loud strained sigh leaving his throat as he slides down against the counter door, almost as if he was carrying the heaviest burden on his shoulders. “ _I_ am the one who’s to be blamed. I am trying _so_ hard but it will never be enough. Who am I trying to fool, Martin? Whatever you say, I-I feel like you don’t care anymore-“

“God - God no, no, that’s not true, you know it, Ben,“ Martin scowls, suddenly feeling disgusted with himself for giving off such an ill impression.

“I do realise that you‘re still… bearing this _grudge_ against me, Martin, and you need time to get through, I understand. I just… can’t stand seeing you acting like this. So cold and distant most of the time, it - I can’t, it hurts, Martin,“ Ben sniffs, trifling with the button of his shirt. “I am not trying to play the victim card, I am just not used to such behaviour. I-I _miss you_. It sounds crazy, because you’re _right here_ , but I - Martin I miss your touch, your lips, your kind words. I miss when you don’t call me _love_ anymore, I miss all those little moments we used to share.“

“And you think I am happy, right?“ Martin barks, crossing his arms over his chest in defence, unable to tame his emotions. “You think I don’t miss it as much as you do? You realise how many times I caught myself wanting to steal a kiss or two today? But how am I supposed to be affectionate with you again when I still hear your voice echoing in my head? Don’t you understand how _fucking much_ it hurt when you told me that we should never go public? After months of hiding and pretending, _years_ of me concealing, I’ve finally managed to brace myself and confess my undying love for you to prove what you mean for me, to prove that you’re not just an affair, fuck, you’re the _love of my life_ , Ben,“ Martin cries out, ignoring Ben’s stunned gasp. “And you tell me that we should keep hiding for the rest of our lives?“ he sobs, his voice hoarse and cracking with sentiment.

“Look,“ he continues after a moment, shuffling closer to Ben so he can sit down next to him. Ben avoids his eyes, but Martin can tell that he is trying hard to not cry and that’s what does it for him. He reaches and strokes Ben’s arm, but withdraws his hand right that very second, almost as if he wasn’t even allowed. “I-I understand that you’re afraid, Ben. Of course I do. Being openly queer in these days… it’s a risk and it’s not easy and _especially_ because we’re… somewhat famous. But – we’ve been in a… well, a relationship, for _months_ , Ben. I didn’t expect you to reject me as quickly and _rudely_ as you did. Once we’ve started… we didn’t even talk about it, it was such a natural process. You’ve _never_ complained, Ben. We’ve agreed to keep it a secret because…  we weren’t sure how serious it was going to be, right? We weren’t sure whether we’d function as a couple, but let me tell you, it was pretty absurd… if you ask me. We should have known that it was stupid to fear that it could ever end between us. It’s always been serious. However fucking cliché that sounds, trust me, it _does_ but it is true - we were meant to be together from the very start, Ben.“

“We both know it wasn’t the only reason, Martin,“ Ben objects, reaching to wrap his arms around his knees. “But yes, you’re right, it _was_ stupid indeed. I’ve never doubted that we’d make a perfect couple. I’ve just… never considered the possibility of making it official, it used to feel quite surreal if I have to be honest.“

Martin simply nods, mirroring Ben’s position. “Yeah. I see your point, we’re two _men_ , Ben. We needed a little time to adapt, not any pressure from outside, no noisy people, no intrusive paparazzi, no hateful remarks. But I had _no_ idea you’d ever freak out if I suggested that we should finally tell everyone, you’ve never shown any sign, you’ve never told me that you are _so_ anxious for fuck’s sake. Maybe… maybe if you have told me sooner without being such a jerk, none of that would have happened, no, in-in fact I am _sure_ that it wouldn’t have turned out so nasty. God, Ben, I’ve always been in love with you and deep down I know you feel exactly the same and _that_ ’s why I’ve decided to finally confess, that’s why I thought we were both ready to go public, because why wait when everything seemed to be so perfect?“

“Well, I _wasn’t_ ready back then, what you have proposed, that was… too sudden, too rushed,“ Ben shrugs, using his sleeve to wipe away a tear that rolled down his cheek. “I-I panicked, you shocked me, Martin, I was – I was bloody scared, that’s all. But that has changed. At least… I am willing to try because of you. I am just not sure it’s worth anymore. Please, tell me, Martin, what should I do so you finally forgive me? I want you back, I accept that it will probably take a lot of time until we can forget about this. But I need a hint, I am clueless, I feel that whatever I do, I am just making it worse.“

 “Well… for starters, you should clean up this mess,“ Martin says in an attempt to ease off the tension that has grown unbearable over the time. “The rest of it… we’ll have to figure out together, Ben. It might not be easy but... _both_ of us should just try and see how that goes,“ he swallows with a little difficulty, the sorrow he sees in Ben’s eyes making him finally realise that he’s not been fair to Ben, at all. “Don’t worry, I am not pushing you into something you’re not ready for, hell no, I’d _never_ do that,“ he exclaims, tearing up upon reminding himself how horrible Ben must’ve felt. On top of being so scared of what Martin had brought in, he must’ve dealt with Martin’s tantrum, as well as with ignorance and inculpation and that’s why Martin hates himself the most in the moment.

“I - I understand that it might have seemed like I don’t care about your feelings,“ he continues, “but I - I felt just so hurt and betrayed. I am sorry, I know that’s a poor excuse. But – what hurt me the most - Ben, what you said, it sounded like _everything_ was much more important for you than our relationship. Your bloody career, what a bunch of strangers would say… for a moment I thought that you’d rather give up on us than on your perfectly established image.“

“Is that _really_ what it sounded like?“ Ben weeps, an invisible hand squeezing his chest tight so he could barely draw a breath. “I – I, Martin, that’s – that’s not true, nothing is more important than you, how could you-“

“No, I know, I do,“ Martin assures him, fighting the tears that are about to burst out any second. “Now I believe that you were saying the truth, all of this – it’s amazing and you’re doing your best and I am such a twat for doubting that you’d mean it seriously.“

“So - so you’re _not_ angry with me anymore?“ Ben asks, his eyes as wide and innocent as if he was a little kid that has been accused of something it hasn’t done.

“ _Ben_ , come on, “ Martin huffs, swiftly springing up to his feet. “I – I – I – look, I am not saying I am- I just need to think about all of this… for a little while. I just need to be alone for a moment,“ he adds.

“I _am_ prepared to tell the world, Martin, I am, I _told_ you,“ Ben insists. “That’s all I can promise you, I thought that’s all you needed. You’re not pushing me into anything, it’s _my_ decision. Yes, it’s risky, but I am not doing it just so you’ll be happy, I _do_ want it as well. Trust me, I’ve had enough time to think about it and yes, Martin, I want to walk down the street holding your hand, of course I do. There are so many things that I am being afraid of, but I will gladly and _willingly_ face these obstacles if it means we can be together. I am – I am sorry for being such a coward before I found enough courage to stand for what I love the most.“

“But Ben, that’s not what - I just need – fuck, I need some _time_ too, just a little more time.“ Martin’s fist clenches, he closes his eyes, taking long, deep breaths to compose himself. It’s not easy to forget about the harm Ben has caused him, yet the longer they talk about it, the guiltier he feels. Martin has hurt him as well after all, he _is_ aware of it already, yet those words Ben longs to hear so much Martin doesn’t pronounce just yet.

“I should – I should go and… unpack, I guess…“ he utters instead, avoiding this topic altogether, yet Ben doesn’t seem to be taken a back.

“Sure… go, take as much time as you need,“ he waves his hand in resignation. “There are two bedrooms upstairs… in case you were worried,“ Ben mumbles, now glaring ruefully at the puddle of milk and mug shards scattered all around the floor.

“I - I wasn’t worried,“ Martin shakes his head in an instant but he has to admit that the mere remark has caught him completely off guard.

“Well, I’ll be here if you feel like coming back,“ Ben adds, scrambling up to his feet, not making an eye contact even though in this very moment Martin wishes for nothing more than that. “And if you don’t… that’s fine. We can talk tomorrow.“

Martin’s throat tightens, another wave of guilt flushes through his body, flooding him with an unpleasantly distinctive feeling of remorse. Even if he knew what to say he wouldn’t be able to through that knot in his throat so he whips around and grabs his bag instead, wordlessly storming up the stairs.

 

***

Neither of them counts the minutes that pass until Martin decides to leave the room he’s been occupying so far. Whether he should forgive Ben or not – that wasn’t even a question, he already did. He spent a couple of lonely hours, lying in Ben’s bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking of an _apology_ instead, an apology Ben certainly deserved after being showered with an unnecessary large amount of profanities and reproaches. Ben _had_ every right to be scared after all, yet Martin hadn’t been listening to Ben’s reasons, just his own aching heart. It didn’t even matter how hard has been Ben trying to make up for everything, they kept on hurting each other until Martin realised that he’s been, too, acting like a prick, being too rough with Ben, expecting him to be considerate while Martin himself didn’t even try. He wasn’t even entirely honest with Ben. The thing was - Martin didn’t need any more persuading. Despite being so uncertain at first he knew that each of Ben’s word was genuine, that he was truly sorry for everything, he’d never repeat the same mistake. That’s why Martin decides to return and talk to Ben once more, this time prepared to finally make up with the person he loves and cares about the most in the entire world.

He finds Ben sitting cross-legged in front of the fire place with blanket draped around his shoulders, his thumb absently running over the rim of the mug in his hands almost as if his mind was buried in an unfathomably deep thought.

“Hey-“ Martin pipes up, climbing down the stairs quietly so Ben doesn’t even notice him until he steps out of the shadows and the gold fiery glow that’s emanating from the heath illuminates his small silhouette.

Ben flinches a little once he becomes aware of Martin’s presence, but rather than surprised he’s actually relieved. “You came back-“ he gaps, blinking at Martin.

“Of course I did. Come on now, make a room, please,“ Martin requests, taking a place right next to Ben who instinctively starts behaving like the most regardful boyfriend under the sun.

“Aren’t –aren’t you cold? I‘ll bring you blanket, Martin, or maybe I could –“

“No, Ben, that’s alright, I am fine,“ Martin assures him but Ben continues rattling as if he didn’t even hear him talking. “Shouldn’t I bring you the tea you asked for? I made you your favourite – black flavoured, a spoon of sugar, a drop of milk – don’t worry, I didn’t spill this time-“

“Ben, _Ben_ , shhh,“ Martin quickly reaches to fold a finger over Ben’s lips, just so he could shush him down but he doesn’t hurry to draw back. “Please, listen to me, I need to tell you something pretty important so _please_.“

“Oh… sure.“ Ben’s head hangs down sadly, but Martin uses his finger and thumb to gently grasp Ben’s chin and tilt it up again, never leaving his, now glassy, yet still mesmerising eyes.

“I… I, what I need to tell you is that… I do forgive you, Ben, of course I do,“ Martin whispers, soft and full of fondness Ben’s been missing so.

Ben blinks, perplexed, putting the mug aside before he dares to react. “Y-you really do? I thought-“

“Wait, wait, there’s something else…  I-I also owe you an apology, Ben,“ Martin blurts out, leaving out a shaky sigh afterwards.

“ _You_? _You_ owe an apology – what – what are you talking about, Martin?“ For a moment, Ben is being absolutely sure that Martin is just taking the piss out of him but his expression doesn’t change even once the silence descends. It’s still as open and earnest as when Martin first entered the room.

“Jesus, Ben, I’ve been acting like a selfish bastard,“ Martin yelps at once, reaching to cradle Ben’s cheeks. “Yes, you _did_ hurt me, quite bad, but what _I_ ’ve done wasn’t particularly fair either. I’ve been so blind, ignoring your worries in those moments you needed me the most… I am so sorry, Ben, so sorry, you didn’t deserve this and hell… it took me so long -“

“But I don’t blame you, Martin,“ Ben says calmly even through tears that start rolling down his face. “You were right, I should have told you much sooner, I should have told you _that_ instead of panicking and saying that coming out with you… is the last thing I’d ever do,“ Ben shuts his eyes tight, incapable of continuing as his voice cracks and betrays him. “Because that is not true, I didn’t mean that, _none_ of it,“ he adds at last, tenderly stroking the back of Martin’s right hand.

“I know, I _know_ ,“ Martin soothes him, brushing the tears off Ben’s pink flushed cheeks.

“I am so sorry,“ Ben continues, despite sobbing loudly. “You came and rang at my door and you looked so happy and excited and you said all that sweet stuff and – and I’ve _ruined_ everything.“

“Shhh, Ben, that’s enough. You did not – look, I know I’ve acted like there is no blame to share, but I’ve finally realised that I was just so wrong,“ Martin admits. “I shouldn’t have… treated you so awfully for so long, especially not after already seeing that you’re taking this so bloody seriously,“ Martin sniffs, words are stuck in his throat, crawling out only because Martin is so determined to speak. “Listen, I… should have known that the vision of being openly in a relationship with another man would scare you yet I’ve ignored it because I felt just so disappointed in you, Ben. But I am sorry for that. I am sorry for shouting at you, for making you feel so bad even though you’ve done your best to fix it, for calling you a jerk, for – fuck, for treating you like – like - God, I am sorry for everything, Benny, I feel so guilty right now. I must ask for forgiveness as well, please… forgive me.“

“How – how could I not?“ Ben gulps. “But I - I still don’t understand, Martin, what -“ Whatever Ben was about to say dissolves into a whimper once Martin leans closer and presses his lips against Ben’s in the softest kiss they’d ever shared, brief, short, just a moment of their lips brushing lightly, yet it is a kiss even more emotional than their very first.

“ _Enough_ , Ben, please,“ Martin coos against Ben’s parted lips, slowly rubbing a thumb over his full bottom one. “I’ve done a _huge_ mistake, Ben, we both have. We both acted like twats, but know that I would never intentionally hurt you, _never_. I hate myself for making you feel so bad, for ignoring your feelings because I was just so absorbed in mine. I love you, God, I love you so much, Ben, I am sorry. We don’t _ever_ have to go public if the idea terrifies you. I don’t want to lose you either, of course not, not least because of being-“

This time it’s Ben who uses his lips to silence Martin with a kiss as tender as petal, a kiss that floods their bodies with warmth and love they’ve been longing to feel again.

“I thought you said _enough_ ,“ Ben chuckles quietly through the tears, pulling back only so far so he could speak. “Besides, I told you – I _am_ ready, we don’t need to hide anymore, okay? I know you’re just saying it so you’ll make me feel less guilty, but there is no need. I know it’s going to be difficult, but I am being completely honest with you. I do want to take this step, Martin.“

“Are you _sure_?“

“Sure,“ Ben nods, leaning to press his forehead against Martin’s, nuzzling into his space again. “I just have… one more thing to say.“

Martin arches an eyebrow, licking his lips. “Yeah, and that is?“

Ben smiles, his ravishing eyes gleaming in the warm light before he whispers, so heart-meltingly softly, words he’s been wanting to say for such a long time but he’s never been bold enough up until this very moment.

“I love you too, Martin.“

Just a beat, one smile and half a second it takes Martin to react properly. “Oh, God, come here,“ he grabs the back of Ben’s neck, pulling him into an open-mouthed kiss that soon turns into a deep, lascivious one once Martin deftly slips his tongue in between Ben’s lips, rolling in and against Ben’s tongue and then out again to tease him, exploring Ben’s mouth in a way he’s rarely ever dared to up until now.

“Mhm, your lips-“ Martin mewls, murmuring with Ben’s swollen bottom lip still between his teeth.

“What?“

“Taste like chocolate,“ Martin giggles, pecking the ever so irresistible dimple above Ben’s lips before diving straightforward into another kiss. That quiet reminder of all those ugly words that have been spoken is still present and it might never completely fade away, yet they both decide to ignore it, for now at least, just so they can savour the new-found happiness in each other’s arms.

Martin, however, breaks the kiss after a couple of moments. He’d probably spend _hours_ like this, embracing Ben, drawing tiny raspy whimpers out of his throat whilst compensating for each kiss they didn’t share while being at odds, dextrous fingers rushing through Ben’s dark curls, his mouth being as gentle and seductive as ever, if it wasn’t for that Ben was suddenly incapable of not smiling against Martin’s lips and so in the end, it was just them bumping their mouths and noses, not making any intimate contact.

“Hey, what’s the matter?“ Martin chortles, planting small kisses over the laugh lines in the corner of Ben’s mouth.

“I am just – you have no idea how happy I am that we’ve finally pulled through that shit,“ Ben replies, wrapping his long arms around Martin’s shoulder. “I thought it was going to take days, maybe even weeks, I’ve been afraid that it might never work out again, yet here we are.“

“Here we are,“ Martin nods but his smile turns upside down in an instant. “But you should remember that this is just the beginning, Ben. I know we’ve just forgiven each other but-“

“I know what you want to say,“ Ben sighs. “I _know_. But… can we have this moment, no worries, nothing, just the two of us enjoying each other’s presence? We’ve had enough of all these… tediously serious discussions, don’t you think?“

“Well-“

“Martin…“

“Oh come on, you know that I am just teasing you,“ Martin sniggers, playfully nudging Ben’s chest. “I agree with you. This giant abyss in between us… God, I can’t imagine the worse form of torture than not being able to touch you, to kiss you, to hold you in my arms. I am so lucky to have you by my side, Ben, you have no idea, you mean the _world_ for me.“

“We both are damn lucky,“ Ben titters softly, pecking Martin’s forehead before he gets up to his feet all of a sudden, trotting toward the kitchen.

“Where - where are you going?“ Martin calls after him in bewilderment, but Ben offers no reply until his head peeks from around the corner again.

“You forgot about _this_ ,“ he points at the mug in his hands before handing it to Martin. “Watch out, it’s still hot.“

Martin blushes, softly blowing on the tea to cool it off. “You really are caring,“

“I _am_ indeed,“ Ben chuckles, grabbing another blanket from the sofa before he covers Martin’s back.

“Hey, I told you I am not cold, Ben,“ Martin protests but Ben can notice that tone of absolute delight and gratification hidden in his voice.

“And what are you doing _now_?“ Martin calls out when Ben once again disappears from his sight. He comprehends only upon hearing the first tune of the song that should already get repetitive after all these years, yet it’s still Martin’s favourite one. As soon as the melody cuts the silence, a subtle smile crosses Martin’s lips, his heart fluttering at such beautifully melancholic sound.

“ _White Christmas_?“ he raises an eyebrow, his lips spreading into a wide grin once Ben walks back in.

“I would turn the music on much sooner, but… well, I thought it wouldn’t be appropriate just yet,“ Ben smiles sadly, such a smile that hurts as much as the reminder of what happened between them.

“Oh, you, come here, Ben, come,“ Martin stretches out his arm, offering his hand for Ben to take it.

“No need to worry about that anymore, you said so yourself,“ he whispers, pecking Ben’s temple once Ben snuggles close to him, wrapping his arms tightly around Martin’s waist. They stay in such blissful embrace for a while, covered with fluffy blankets, Martin taking a sip from his mug every once in a while, caressing Ben’s arm and Ben, still smiling deliriously with his head laid upon Martin’s shoulder as they watch the flames dancing in front of them, providing the heat, comfort and peace they both have been waiting for ever since the day their lives turned into a wild rollercoaster ride for a while.

“Thank you, Ben.“ The music in the background would surely lull Ben to sleep soon but Martin manages to quite successfully snap him out of it.

“Wh – thank you? What for?“ Ben looks up at Martin, his nose crinkling in that quirky way that Martin adores so much.

“For everything,“ he replies, stroking a finger down Ben’s cheek. “For forgiving me, for trusting me, for making all this possible. For all these little trivial things - tea, biscuits, decorations. It’s all so beautiful, Ben. _You_ are so beautiful.“

“You do realise how cheesy that sounds, right?“ Ben chuckles, his voice deep and velvet, rumbling in his chest like a thunder yet smooth like silk in the same time.

“Cheesy, but… it works, doesn’t it?“ Martin bumps Ben’s nose, drawing another giggle out of his throat. “You’re blushing,“ Martin snickers but he’s soon shushed down once Ben lifts his head, locking their lips in a fond kiss.

“And now _you_ ’re blushing as well,“ Ben quips, nibbling on Martin’s thin lip before he leans in for another kiss, this time a much more passionate one. Martin doesn’t even question it, the only noise he lets out is the quiet moan into Ben’s open mouth. Ben’s lips are firm yet pliant against his own, such wondrous and voluptuous lips Martin has never had a fortune of kissing before. Not that he’d ever want to kiss any other lips but Ben’s, it’s all he wants, all he needs in his life. _Ben_. Just him and his dark chestnut, wavy curls, his striking eyes, vast sea of sky blue that occasionally morphs into the undefinable colour of galaxy, his face that Ben thinks so little of yet  Martin marvels at the every inch of it, from cheekbones to chin, his delicate, so sensitive neck that Martin loves to mark with hickeys, Ben’s entire imperfectly perfect body all with his long limbs, marble, somewhat translucent skin and a little tum he’s got when he’s currently not trying to fit in, his abs and muscular arms, his hips that sway so gracefully when his favourite music plays, Martin is in love with Ben’s whole body as much as he’s in love with his soul, to him there’s no more so ethereally gorgeous being than his Ben. This love he feels for Ben – it’s almost overwhelming, the desire suddenly too much to bear. His fingers immediately find the upper button of Ben’s shirt, fiddling with it needily for a while before Martin decides to pop it open. In the heat of a moment, he runs two fingers down, undoing second and then third button as well until Ben grasps his wrist, half-bemused, half-aroused expression on his face, his brow furrowed and swollen lips crooked into a half smirk.

Martin jerks off immediately, hastily apologising for what he thought was a misunderstanding. “Oh no, have I – have I done something –“

“No,“ Ben shakes his head, catching Martin’s lips once again. “You have my full consent to do anything you please,“ he murmurs, somewhat a suggestive spark bouncing in his eyes. “I am just, not sure… where _exactly_ is this leading?“ Ben’s breathing quickens, crimson building up high on his cheeks. “Cause, Martin, I can’t imagine anything more so terribly cliché than having – having _first_ sex in front of a fireplace, right after making up after an argument,“ he titters.

Martin blinks, swallowing a couple of times before the first words escape his throat. “I wasn’t – I’ve just lost inhibitions, cause Ben you’re just so – so – God, I don’t know how far are _you_ willing to go tonight but I could kiss every patch of your skin right now,“ he breaths out, tongue heavy and dry in his mouth, eyes frantically gliding all over Ben’s body.

Ben bites his lip, his voice is full of shyness despite the context of wat he’s saying. “Then why don’t you?“

Martin opens his mouth but no words are leaving. It used to be just a phrase people use but now Martin truly understands what it actually means to be rendered speechless.

“Didn’t you – didn’t you just say it’s cliché?“ he raises an eyebrow, but at the same time, a little smile crosses his lips.

“Oh yes,“ Ben nods. “But maybe I’ve just forgot to mention that there’s nothing more I want right now than that. I mean… Martin, I know that… given the circumstances and a lack of any experience and, you know –“ he clears his throat, making a vague gesture with his hand in the air, hoping that Martin understands. “We can’t _actually_ have sex right now, but we _could_ take it further tonight. We’ve been waiting for far more than necessary, don’t you think? “

Martin is about to answer, but he decides against it in the end. His heart completely melts at the sight of Ben’s soft, amiable face, his lips turned up in a tiny, hopeful smile. No words are needed anymore. Martin gives a little nod, returning the smile before he leans in, planting a kiss over Ben’s pink tinged cheek. Ben’s eyes flutter shut at the contact, he reaches to tug at Martin’s cardigan, giving in to the soft kiss that very quickly escalates into a kiss full of twirling tongues and clinking teeth before turning gentle once again.

Martin’s fingers are trembling this time as he reaches to undo the rest of the buttons on Ben’s shirt. He can feel the warm skin shivering under his touch as he ever so tenderly caresses Ben’s bare abdomen, his hands running flat up Ben’s torso before he strips the shirt off Ben’s shoulders.

“I will never stop repeating it – you are the most beautiful,“ he murmurs, quiet and full of the purest love against Ben’s parted lips, going  slightly dizzy from all the air they’ve already exchanged.

“Please, Martin, just go on,“ Ben practically begs, not even knowing what exactly for before cocking his head to the side, exposing his neck, a direct invitation for Martin. Martin doesn’t need to be asked twice, yet he decides to take it slowly. He traces his lips down Ben’s jawline, a light, sensual brush that sends chills down Ben’s spine before Martin nips carefully on the thin, pale skin of his collar. The groan that flees from Ben’s throat is somewhat sinful, Martin thinks, desperately trying to focus on what he’s doing with his mouth but the sounds reverberating deep in Ben’s chest ignite something wild and dark inside of him, something he’s not been aware of up until now. The next thing he knows, he’s carefully pushing Ben down on the floor, never breaking their mouths apart.

The sight in front of him, once Martin opens his eyes again and pulls back an inch, is positively _breath-taking_. Ben’s half-naked body sprawled over the blanket, his skin glistening in the burning flare, ferocious flames casting shimmering light upon his marvellous body, his chest raising fast and heavily in anticipation, pupils dilated in the poorly lit room and so his eyes appear to be as black as starless night, almost as if someone just poured an ink into crystal clear water.

“God, Ben-“ Martin exhales but Ben doesn’t let him to finish what he’s started.

“Martin, I am _enormously_ flattered but _stop_.“ Ben’s beaming face, all with his ruffled hairs and a wide grin he can’t fight even if he wanted must be the most delightsome thing Martin has ever seen and despite everything, he says that aloud.

“You’re so cute when you get all flustered, love.“

Ben’s heart skips a beat at the word, yet he doesn’t dwell upon this moment for too long. He reaches to grab the lapel of Martin’s cardigan instead, pulling him down into another kiss, relishing the taste of Martin’s lips that vaguely resembles the taste of tea he’s been drinking up until now.

Martin assists Ben with the buttons, peeling off the layers of cloth, one by one, until they lock their lips again, pressing their naked chests together and rubbing gently against one another, hands restlessly wandering, exploring each other’s bodies, savouring each subtle touch, each single contact of skin against skin, contact that is so new and intimate they can barely get enough of it.

Ben didn’t even notice when Martin pushed him back on the floor but somehow they ended there, Martin on top of Ben and blankets rustling underneath them as they wriggle and kiss so voraciously, almost as if they were about to devour one another, so hungry for each other’s lips, so needy. Martin seizes a fistful of Ben’s short curls and tugs tentatively, plucking his head backwards and so drawing another husky moan out of Ben, another one that tingles throughout his entire body right into his groin. He’s quite temperate at first, licking wet stripes down the side of Ben’s neck and then back up, tickling below his ear before taking Ben’s lobe in between his lips, suckling and chewing only very cautiously. It’s such a sensation and yet, Ben has to choke back a moan in order to not sound so obscene so early so he dips his fingers deep into the skin of Martin’s muscular back, raking his nails carefully down Martin’s spine to release at least part of the tension.

Almost as if it’s Martin who can read Ben’s mind this time, he chuckles against his skin, brushing Ben’s cheek lovingly. “You don’t have to hold back, Ben, you know that right? It’s not embarrassing at all. Now come on, I want to hear your unbelievably hot voice, you have _no_ idea what it’s doing to me,“ he growls, low, almost predatory-like, before he sinks his teeth into Ben’s neck and starts sucking, grazing on his soft, salty skin.

“Yeah, that’s _it_ ,“ Martin purrs, Ben’s throat vibrating against his tongue once his head yanks backwards again and he groans loudly, letting himself to be truly heard this time. Ben can feel Martin’s grin against his neck as he keeps on sucking a mark into his sensitive skin, veins pulsating and sweat building up on Ben’s body and certainly not only because they’re lying in front of the fireplace. Martin hums so pleasantly as he pulls back and plants a sloppy, yet smoothing kiss over the purple hickey, the only sound Ben can concentrate on even though the merry melodies in the background still didn’t fade out yet.

“You really _do_ love biting my neck, eh?“ Ben giggles, exploiting the moment when Martin decided to take a brief pause. He quickly slips his hands between their chests and pushes Martin up, rolling them over so now it’s Ben who’s lounging on top.

“ _Unfair_ ,“ Martin laments, eyes following Ben’s face as he arises, straddling Martin’s thighs, carmine bright flames shedding soft light upon him from behind and so creating the illusion of his god-like body glowing brightly, almost as if he was a statue sculpted from stone, standing still despite all the destructive nature forces.

Martin’s entire body shivers at such sight, his breathing shallow and even but once Ben lazily grinds against his lap, a moan tears off his throat, a jolt of electrifying pleasure sweeping his body off the ground.

“God, Ben, you can’t do that without a warning, love,“ he whimpers, his hands darting out, instantly hooking his fingers behind the waistband of Ben’s jeans.

“May I?“ he asks imploringly, never leaving Ben’s eyes.

“Y-yes,“ Ben nods, staring at Martin’s hands as he slowly works to unbuckle Ben’s belt. He reaches to undo the flies as well but almost as if Ben’s mind clicked all of a sudden, he catches Martin’s wrist, flashing a wry, innocent smile in Martin’s direction.

“There’s – there’s a couple of things we should discuss beforehand, shouldn’t we?“ he broaches.

“Oh, sure…“ Martin clears his throat, about to withdraw but Ben doesn’t let go. He lifts both of Martin’s hands instead, pecking each of his knuckles lightly before proceeding to continue.

“So – erhm, well, we’ve been together for almost six months already and since – since I trust you wholeheartedly and I know you love me and you’d _never_ cheat on me I can count on that you’ve had no sex in the past half a year- but -but- how long you’ve actually-“

“Ben, first of all-“ Martin interjects, propping himself up on his elbows. “ _Of course_ I’d never cheat on you, why on Earth would I? I am _all_ yours,“ he says, both the tone of his voice and his expression quite bitter for a moment, almost as if he was offended before his face softens again. “But I haven’t slept with anyone for more than a _year_ already, if that’s what you’re suggesting. And, well, naturally, the last and only person I‘ve slept with these past sixteen years was Amanda so-“

“You don’t need to go into detail,“ Ben pouts, feeling as if he was soon about to combust with jealousy. Just the thought of Martin being with anyone else, even if it was Amanda who has been with him for such a long time, makes his blood boil in his veins.

“But let me put your mind at ease,“ Martin adds. “I am completely healthy, I am _sure_. I’ve been getting checked quite regularly, you know, just in case the two of us decided that the _right time_ has come already.“

“Well, that’s – exactly what I wanted to hear, me too,“ Ben laughs, a sound that actually resembles a sigh of relief. “I am – I am sorry, I didn’t want to ruin the moment, I just-“

“Oh, come on, I am glad you’ve asked, it’s completely okay,“ Martin assures him, raising up to cup Ben’s cheeks and placing a kiss on the tip of his nose. A kiss that lingers for a tad longer Martin intend it to, a brush of lips ghosting down Ben’s face, hovering there for a while, before Martin tilts his head to the side, languidly, playfully, sort of like a reptile before stealing another peck off Ben’s plump bottom lip.

“Your turn now,“ Martin murmurs, chuckling at Ben’s puzzled face. He slumps down on his back again, Ben still straddling his lap, still looking disconcerted until Martin gives him a hint, a buck of hips right against Ben’s crotch.

“Martin, wha-oh, God,“

“Come on, pull of my jeans, Ben,“ Martin sniggers, rolling his hips once more.

“Fuck, _Martin_.“ Ben groans. “Is this – is this a revenge?“

“Maybe,“ Martin shrugs, biting his lip provocatively and so urging Ben to continue. Ben merely raises an eyebrow at him before he shuffles further below, whimpering at Martin’s quite devilish smirk as he works to undo his belt, a smirk that Ben kisses off Martin’s face as soon as he finally proceeds to get rid of his trousers.

Martin might not have built an athletic body, he might not tend to work out on a regular basis, he certainly doesn’t have a perfectly flat stomach and sick-pack abs and yet Ben has never seen a body that he’d consider more handsome. He’s perhaps a tad too biased to judge properly but especially in this very moment he couldn’t care less. Not when Martin’s so marvellous body is wincing beneath him, Martin kissing him so lustfully he’s practically setting Ben’s lips on fire. Not when Martin’s seemingly teeny hands that can be both callous and rough but also unbelievably soft and gentle, are crawling down Ben’s spine, lingering for a moment before Martin tucks his fingers underneath the waistband of Ben’s pants and pulls both them and Ben’s loosened jeans down to his knees.

Neither of them dares to move once Ben manages to strip off the rest of his clothes, lying stark naked on top of Martin now, breathing hot and heavily against Martin’s face. Every inch of his frame is pressed against Martin’s. They both can see the glint in each other’s eyes, they can feel the other one’s heart pounding fiercely against their rib cage, the intoxicating smell of one another’s skin, but what is the most distracting must be Ben’s quickly hardening cock squeezed between their bodies, just a thin layer of cloth separating it and Martin.

“Jesus, Ben,“ Martin gulps, his mouth wide open in a silent moan, his voice so raspy it sends shivers down Ben’s nape. “We’re such _idiots_ , how am I supposed to surpass this need to have you right here and now?“

“I am sorry, I should have been more foreseeing,“ Ben groans, lips hovering a mere inch above Martin’s. “I have to be honest, I did _not_ expect such turn of events. At all. So, all _this_ has to be enough for now. We’ve been waiting for years and after everything that has happened between us, now all this is already a miracle.“

“Yeah, you’re absolutely right,“ Martin sighs in agreement. “Besides, we have an entire weekend to spend up there in that bloody comfortable bed of yours, right?“ he sniggers, sneaking his arms around Ben’s shoulders before pulling him down into a kiss.

“Indeed. Next time, once we have everything we need, we’ll do it properly,“ Ben assures him, stealing another little peck for himself. “Doesn’t mean it won’t count like this,“ he adds, smiling suggestively as he leans back, sitting down on his heels.

“Oh, no need to worry about _that_. I am sure it will. If you finally get rid off my pants of course,“ Martin taunts, propping himself up on his hands. He manages to swallow back a hungry groan that is about to escape his throat once he finally sees Ben’s entire naked body in all its glory, but he just can’t seem to be able to stop ogling Ben, no matter how lecherous and indecent it might be.

At the sight of Ben’s astounded face however, he suddenly feels much less filthy, especially once it takes Ben about ten solid seconds until he stops staring at Martin’s bare groin.

“Ben, sweetie, my eyes are up here,“ Martin banters, snickering.

Ben gapes at him in embarrassment, his entire face as red as a tomato. “I am – I am so sorry, I just-“

“God, you, come here,“ Martin growls, climbing on top of Ben before they tumble down on the floor, tangled in blankets as they roll over one another and further from the fireplace. Ben is sure that Martin did not end up on top of him, settled between his thighs by a mere accident and yet he doesn’t bother to protest. Especially not once Martin locks their lips in a lustful kiss and grinds against him for the first time, sliding against Ben’s cock and so creating the perfect friction that draws a string of groans out of their throats. Ben doesn’t even mind that if it wasn’t for a single blanket separating them, he’d be lying on a hard, wooden floor.

Martin leans to bury his face into the crook of Ben’s neck, muffling his moans as he keeps on rutting their bodies in a lazy pace. Ben is sure that this is how an ecstasy must feel, to get what you’ve been craving for so long, to slake this visceral need, to be this close, this intimate with someone you need more than the oxygen you breathe. Martin was right, this is just the beginning. Beginning of the path they chose to walk together, the path that will get bumpy from time to time, sometimes it will even split but it’s up to them to find a way to each other again.  Ben knows it won’t be easy to forget, these memories of old feuds will emerge upon the surface from time to time and he and Martin will surely hurt each other again even despite this unreserved love they feel for each other. But he’s prepared to face all of it, he is ready and this time he is sure of it. He is prepared to face the world, all he need is Martin, because with him by his side he can see the sun even behind the heaviest curtain of clouds and suddenly, nothing, not even the hatred and loathing of those who will judge their every decision matters. He was stupid to not realise it sooner, they both were, in their own way. But right now, in these very moments as they sway in unison in each other’s arms, cradling each other’s faces, so desperate for more contact, all the troubles are forgotten.

Ben reaches to run a hand through Martin’s soft silver strands of hairs, massaging his scalp tenderly as Martin slows down for a moment, rolling his hips languidly against Ben’s crotch. The heat between their groins is almost too much to bear already and yet Ben can hardly get enough of this achingly sweet tension. Never before he wanted anyone more than he wants Martin, not least a man. There’s something almost bestial about this desire to have Martin’s cock inside of him, to allow Martin things no one’s been allowed to do before and yet he can but dream for until he can have it. He can imagine quite well how much it’d hurt if they so recklessly jumped at each other like animals without any proper preparation, the lack of it being a result of Ben’s belief that sex is the very last thing that was about to happen that weekend. Besides, Martin would never even bring it up, Ben is quite sure of it. He would never do anything to hurt Ben, not least like this, he’s always extremely careful and gentle with him, almost as if Ben was made of fragile glass.  

Even right now in these very moments as they’re rocking peacefully against one another, cacophony of soft whimpers and raw groans filling the air. Alternating between chaste pecks and sloppy open-mouthed kisses, they rarely even pull back to steady their breathing and even if they do, it’s usually because Martin feels the urge to ask Ben if he’s alright.

“I am completely fine, Martin, why wouldn’t I be?“ Ben chuckles. He’s gripping Martin’s shoulders so tight he will surely leave a few marks but Martin doesn’t seem to mind at all.

“Just making sure,“ Martin shrugs, quite a coquettish smile on his face before he bends down again, whispering into Ben’s ear, husky and deep, almost raw and yet abnormally sexy. Ben is so distracted he doesn’t even notice that Martin stopped bucking his hips.

“You see, I’ve been wondering-“

“Yeah?“

“Whether you’d let me to _touch_ you,“ he purrs, sniggering at the way Ben’s eyes fly so wide open before he backs further below.

“I-I don’t think that’s a question you need to ask,“ Ben whines, a bit desperately, his eyes flicking rapidly between Martin’s pleased face and his left hand that’s sliding nonchalantly down Ben’s side and his abdomen, right toward his groin. The moment Martin grips his cock at the base, Ben’s back arches up, his hips thrusting against Martin’s belly and so drawing a profanity out of his mouth.

“Fuck, Ben-“ Martin doesn’t even ask this time, he strokes a couple of times, groaning loudly both at the sight of his own hand wrapped around Ben’s already fully erected cock and Ben’s aroused face, all with his lowered eyelids and open mouth. Ben thinks it can’t get any better than this and yet Martin proves him wrong. Ben can’t even decide what the best part of what follows is. Maybe it’s Martin’s thumb, rubbing the wet head of Ben’s cock so sensually as if he’s been already used to it. Maybe it’s his hand, hot and firm, giving Ben long, sloppy strokes that feel just so right so perfect, tingling, shimmering, warm pleasure spreading all around Ben’s body.

“Oh, G-God, Martin, don’t-don’t you dare to stop.“

“You can always join me, you know,“ Martin snickers once again and once again he’s got that cocky smirk on his lips, the one that’s driving Ben over the edge more than anything else. And yet he doesn’t waver for too long. Once Martin repositions himself again, crawling back on top of Ben, he slides a hand between their bodies, covering not only Martin’s hand but groping both Martin’s and his own prick.

“Oh my- _fuck_ -“

“ _Don’t stop_ ,“ Ben growls again, pumping in a frantic rhythm, Martin’s cock thick and warm in his hand, sliding against his own and so making a fire pool low in their bellies. The sheer sensation of touching Martin like this is positively overwhelming. Ben could come any second, yet he holds back, determined to savour these moments for as long as possible.

It would be easier if Martin wasn’t changing the pace so often, rocking his hips once slowly and gently, as serenely as the snowflakes fluttering behind the windows but the very next minute it’s almost if he’s lost the control over his own body, thrusting into Ben’s and his own fist - fast, almost vicious, like a tempestuous sea during a storm that rages on for days.

“God, Ben, I am so close, so close,“ Martin huffs, using his free hand to comb the damp curls off Ben’s forehead before he nuzzles against his face. This kiss thy share is gentle, almost innocent in contradiction with the wild movements of their hips.

Ben is only vaguely aware of all these grunts and noises he’s letting out, half of them are probably ridiculous and yet he doesn’t mind. His focus is on the wet heat and flesh between their legs, the tension building up in his balls, muscles twitching and Martin moaning in between his parted lips. It’s Martin’s broken voice that does it for him.

A loud howl tears from Ben’s throat all of a sudden, right before everything fades to black and he can hear nothing but his own heart pounding in his ears for a couple of moments. The sound of his name is echoing somewhere in the distance, too far away and maybe he’s just fantasised it, it’s all blurry, foggy. All he feels is a wave after wave of delicious pleasure paralysing both him and Martin. 

As he blinks to open his eyes again, it’s already quiet. He’s only slowly becoming aware of his surroundings – the first thing he lays his eyes upon is Martin’s face. He’s panting hard above him but grinning contentedly, studying thoroughly Ben’s expression. They both have reached the orgasm at once, Ben concludes, somewhat stupidly pleased with this discovery.

Ben smiles up at Martin, shattered; yet full of bliss, although he’s still quite out of breath to speak coherently. “God, that was – and we didn’t even – Martin, that was-“

“Shh,“ Martin giggles quietly, bending down to reward Ben with a smooth kiss. “It was bloody _amazing_ , just perfect, love.“

“Y-yeah, I-I-God - what a _mess_ ,“ Ben snorts once glancing upon the still warm, sticky moisture smeared over his belly.

“Well, we can lie here and stare at our messed up bodies or-“

“Or?“ Ben raises an eyebrow, his lips curled into quite a curious crook.

“I could draw us a bath,“ Martin wets his lips, playfully tilting his head to the side.

“Do go on,“ Ben prompts him.

Martin chuckles, closing the gap between them, quite slowly, teasingly. “Well, I could wash your skin and your hair and I could massage your shoulders-“

“Mhm, sounds like a dream coming true,“ Ben hums, giving in to a kiss. “Just give me a second, I am too numb to move just yet.“

“As you wish.“

Much to Ben’s delight, Martin helps him to sit up before he grabs a clean blanket and covers their shoulders, cuddling close to him to keep them both warm.

“We should go before you fall asleep, love,“ Martin pipes up after a moment, noticing how Ben’s breathing slowed down.

“Right,“ Ben mumbles sleepily, his weary eyes pinned upon the smouldering ember in front of him. “It counts, Martin,“ he adds, wrapping his arms tighter around Martin’s torso.

“Of course it does,“ Martin smiles, planting a kiss full of devotion over Ben’s temple. “As a matter of fact, I can’t imagine the first time running any better.“

“Yeah, me neither,“ Ben agrees before locking their lips once more. “Now come on, you’re right. If I won’t get up now I doze off and that’s certainly not what I am aiming for,“ he utters, not paying attention to the blanket he shed off his shoulders once he rose up.

“Oh, will you put out the fire, ple- hey, what are you staring at?“ his brow furrows once he turns over and his gaze falls upon Martin’s thirsty eyes.

“Your body,“ Martin shrugs, obscenely licking his lips. “I am sorry, but you have the most _perfect_ arse I have ever-“

“Piss off with your compliments, my arse is _not_ perfect,“ Ben protests before eyeing Martin up and down, his face smug and eyes full of dark lust. “Yours is _better_ ,“ he smirks, blowing Martin a kiss before he turns over, swaying his lips lightly as he ambles toward the staircase.

Martin shakes his head fondly before doing what he’s been asked to. He switches off the music and light as well as he puts aside the long forgotten half-empty mugs before following Ben upstairs. Once he walks into the bathroom, the water is still running and yet he finds Ben already lying in tub, bubbles floating in the air and hot steam filling the small room.

“You took your time,“ Ben remarks, lazily opening one eye to have a look at Martin’s approaching body.

“I can’t believe you’ve started off without me. Come on, make a room.“

Martin somehow manages to squeeze himself behind Ben’s back but he has to admit it’s not quite as comfortable as he’d hoped for. “Would you mind slouching down a bit you freaking giraffe?“ he scoffs, sliding his arms around Ben’s waist that’s already underneath the water and a thick layer of soap foam.

“Sorry,“ Ben snorts, melting back into Martin’s embrace once they both relax. He lets his head to fall back and rest upon Martin’s shoulder, allowing Martin’s hands to pamper him as they draw small soothing circles all over his still sticky body. “Mhm, didn’t you promise me a massage?“ he mewls, turning over to steal a kiss from Martin’s lips.

Martin offers no reply but a small, tantalizing smile before he proceeds to knead Ben’s shoulders and neck gently, so gently it’s maybe even better than what he’s been doing with his hands before, Ben thinks, moaning quietly under his breath, indulging in such euphoric feeling. Martin’s fingers work precisely to rub the soap into his skin, his lips trailing an invisible line down Ben’s nape as he hums the melody that has been ringing in their ears since the beginning of that evening. The next thing Ben’s aware of are Martin’s hands spreading shampoo through his hair and it must be the nicest feeling, as Martin works to massage his scalp and wash his short yet still obstinate curls before proceeding to soap up and rinse his whole body.

Once they step out of the tub they’re both drowsy enough to drift off to sleep right then and then and yet Martin can’t seem to help but tease Ben while towelling him, ruffling his wet hair and pulling him close to kiss him again, sloppily, tongues lazily twisting around one another’s until Ben decides to draw back and take Martin’s hand into his own, pulling him toward the other room as soon as he manages to finally dress up.

“Bedroom, _now_. You don’t want me to collapse, Martin,“ Ben half-yawns, half-titters. They climb into bed together, greatly exhausted, but warm and soft, wearing fine cotton pyjamas, smell of soap and shampoo still lingering in the air as they shuffle under the heavy duvets. Neither of them dwells over the fact that this is actually the first time they’re sharing a bed together, it’s all as natural as everything that’s happened that evening.

“Goodnight then, love?“ Martin smiles into a brief kiss before curling up close to Ben, brushing their noses tenderly.

“Goodni-no, no, wait a second,“ Ben jerks up, quite awake and vigilant all of a sudden before he rolls over the other side of the bed, bending over the edge, almost as if he was searching for something that should be hidden underneath the bed.

“What-what are you looking for?“ Martin raises an eyebrow in question.

“ _This_ ,“ Ben cries out after a moment, a triumphal smile crossing his lips as he turns over, now holding something that resembles a simple square wrapped in a navy blue paper with a silver bow twisted around it.

“What is _that_?“ Martin squints, lazily rising up to sit.

“Your Christmas gift obviously,“ Ben explains, stretching out his hands, his smile growing even bigger.

“A gift?“ Martin blinks. “B-but I don’t have any-“

“That’s okay,“ Ben shrugs. “I know that Christmas is still a week away and I should have waited until the morning, but - but since we’ll probably won’t spend the Christmas Day together and I am so impatient-“

“Why wouldn’t we?“ Martin frowns.

“Well,“ Ben stiffens, “I’ve assumed you’d want to spend Christmas with your kids and-and-“

“ _You_ ,“ Martin utters resolutely. “I want to spend Christmas with you, Ben.“

Even in such poor light he can notice that cheerful spark in Ben’s eyes, although, Ben’s expression is not exactly in sync with all his feelings. “But-but what about Joe and Grace?“ he asks, mildly shocked. “I am sure you’d rather spend Christmas with your family than your… secret boyfriend.“

“You see and here’s when you’re a tad wrong, Ben,“ Martin remarks, taking the package from Ben’s hands and putting it over the pillow so he can enlace their fingers together. “Despite all the bad that has happened between us, I’ve never, not for a second, thought of the option of spending my favourite day in the year without my favourite person. Look, I’ve talked to Amanda about two weeks ago and since she’s one of the few people who know about us I could’ve asked her and she’s agreed. Yes, she needed a little persuasion but she’s promised me that Joe and Grace can spend a couple of days with us.“

“R-really?“ If Ben had any more energy he’d be already jumping on the bed and he’s not even been given the best news yet.

“That is to say,“ Martin continues, taking a deep breath to brace himself. “God, I wanted to ask you tomorrow but since you’ve brought it up already – I-I’d love if you moved in with me, Ben. I think that after six months of snogging in the backseat of cars and kissing each other goodnight on my doorstep like a couple of bloody teenagers it’s finally time, don’t you think?“

Ben thinks _yes_ , of course he does and yet the word somehow can’t find its way to crawl from his tightened throat. “Y-you think – I should move to _your_ house? The one you’ve shared with-“

“Yes,“ Martin sighs. “But bear in mind that it’s Amanda who’s left. I told her she can keep it but no – she stomped off, yelling something about… bastards,“ he scowls. “Whatever. I doubt she’ll mind if you’ll move in, she has no right to protest anyway.“

Ben takes time to fully comprehend what he’s been just told. It’s not particularly easy when his brain is already half-asleep and refusing to cooperate, it’s a long, sluggish process. For a moment Ben feels like he’s already dreaming but Martin’s sweet voice soon snaps him out of this state.

“You okay?“

“Me? Yes, yes, I am fine, of course I-I just – God, I do want to live with you, of course I do, Martin,“ he nods and leans in to wrap Martin in his arms, happiest he’s ever been albeit so tired.

“God, that’s a relief, if I have to be honest. I was getting worried you’d say no,“ Martin admits, squeezing his eyes shut for a second before pulling back. “Now, onto this,“ he clears his throat, picking the present he’s just received from Ben, unwrapping it hastily in excitement thanks to which he completely forgets how sleepy he in fact is.

“Oh my God, Ben-“ Martin can barely contain this tiny whimper of surprise and gratification once he recognises the cover of quite a rare vinyl record he’s been searching for ages but had never any luck discovering it by himself.

“Do - do you realise how valuable is this?“    

“Yes, in fact, yes I do,“ Ben smiles proudly. “I remember how you’d mentioned it once when we were sitting in your living room and-“

Martin stares at him in awe, gaping. “But-but that was like two years ago, Ben.“

“Well, yes, that’s how long it took me to find it,“ Ben shrugs, smiling so softly and innocently it aches. Martin is still quite astonished, his eyes flicking between Ben’s weary face and the record in his hands before he finally puts it aside on the nightstand and tackles Ben down on the mattress again, their lips chained in a messy kiss.

“Thank you, thank you, _thank you_ ,“ Martin lilts, peppering Ben’s face with dozens of kisses that tickle Ben’s sensitive skin and make him giggle quietly. “I love you so much,“ he coos, rubbing their foreheads together, nuzzling Ben’s lips and nose.

“I love you too,“ Ben whispers, closing his eye in quiet bliss. “It pains me that I’ve been wavering for seven bloody years to tell you,“ he murmurs, shuffling closer to Martin, draping one of his arms over Martin’s torso. “I am so sorry, Martin.“

“Shhh, don’t be, love. We’re here _now_ and we’re together and that’s all that matters.“ Martin’s voice is barely audible, or maybe it’s just Ben drifting off to sleep so quickly he’s not even aware of what’s happening around him anymore. The last thing he remembers before he falls asleep is a chaste brush of Martin’s lips against his own.

***

Ben wakes up early, at first he’s disoriented and quite perplexed but soon he perceives in a moment of relieving realisation. Memories of the previous night are all coming back fast, small fragments shaping a crystal clear picture in Ben’s head. He can’t help but smile upon remembering.

Suddenly he’s aware of Martin’s arm wrapped around his back, fingers caressing down his spine, of Martin’s leg tucked between his calves, of the sound of Martin’s beating heart and a familiar breathy chuckle leaving Martin’s throat. It’s not until now that Ben realises that he’s slept with his head upon Martin’s chest the entire night and all his limbs are stiffened from lying in the same position for so long yet he doesn’t complain at all. He tilts his head up to look Martin in the face, smiling immediately at that soft, smitten look in the man’s eyes.

“Morning, sunshine.“ His voice is irresistible, Ben thinks. Still sleepy and raspy and yet Ben could spend the whole day listening to it.

“ _Sunshine_? Look outside,“ he mumbles, leaning in for a bit sour morning kiss. Once he notices that Martin stopped rubbing his back he shifts closer, wincing like a cat desperate for attention.

“Oi, don’t be greedy you git,“ Martin giggles.

“I am not _greedy_ ,“ Ben rolls his eyes, fiddling with the fabric of Martin’s flimsy shirt. “It’s certainly not my fault it feels so nice,“ he snorts in laughter, nonchalantly sliding his hand down Martin’s abdomen. Martin squirms at the sight of Ben’s large hand cruising around so dangerously close to his crotch and yet he stays quiet about it. Unlike Ben who’s already managed to comment on Martin’s rumbling stomach and he certainly doesn’t seem like he wants to look past that bulge in between Martin’s legs.

“If you’re about to say something cheesy about my prick I won’t hesitate punching you with this pillow, Ben,“ Martin utters dryly, mock-serious crook on his lips.

“I wasn’t about to say anything,“ Ben answers back, brooding for a moment before he all of a sudden tosses away the covers, lazily shuffling below. “Actually… I am quite sure I can put my mouth to a much better use than blabbing,“ he winks.

“What are you – oh God,“ Martin gulps once Ben parts his legs and settles himself in between Martin’s thighs, lying on his abdomen with a unusually dirty smirk splitting his face.

“Yes?“ he snickers.

“Oh, _God_ , Ben, are you seriously- _fucking hell_ ,“ Martin needs no answer anymore, not once Ben licks a tentative stripe through the thin layer of pyjama, never leaving Martin’s eyes while doing so.  

“Remind me again,“ he swallows hard, pupils dilated due to arousal, “why we’ve never done any of this before?“ he asks but waits for no reply. He leans in again, rubbing his lips against Martin’s growing erection, sniffing and licking him quite obscenely through the fabric.

“I-I-I don’t know Ben,“ Martin shakes his head, raising to lean back against the headboard. “What I know is that you’re doing it right now and if I faint blame the sight at your bloody gorgeous lips wrapped around my cock.“

Ben smirks at the remark, deep chuckle thundering inside his chest before he tucks his fingers beneath the waistband of Martin’s pyjama bottoms and pulls down, only so his hipbones and a light trace of pubic hair is visible.

Ben bites his lips before shifting to kiss and stroke the soft skin of Martin’s lower belly and if Martin’s shivering it’s just because Ben’s surprisingly skilful tongue is twirling just _so_ close from where Martin wants it again. He has no idea where did all this sassiness suddenly come from but he would be a fool to complain so he rather reaches to grab Ben by his hair, tugging roughly enough for Ben’s scalp to tingle while Ben’s busy licking at the damp spot over his already ruined pyjama.

“Mhm, eager, aren’t we?“

“Well, it’s certainly not _my_ fault it feels so _nice_ ,“ Martin quips, his voice morphing into a long groan once Ben takes the edge of his pyjama in between his teeth and pulls all the way down, Martin’s already leaking cock springing free. Ben tries to ignore the heat building up on his cheeks but Martin can notice that all that smugness has suddenly dissolved into a tiny coy smile that’s hanging upon Ben’s face right now.

Nevertheless, he bends down again, wordless, kissing Martin’s inner thighs at first before wrapping his long fingers around the base of Martin’s cock and so urging Martin to bend his legs and give him a better access.

The first contact is brief, almost wary but once they exchange a glance Ben hesitates no more. He licks and laps at the glans, slowly, sensually, before licking down from the tip to root and then up again, finally sucking the head of Martin’s cock into his mouth. The way Ben’s eyes flutter shut in that moment should be illegal, Martin believes, his breath hitching once Ben decides to give him a few short strokes. He doesn’t even notice Ben’s left hand until Ben reaches to tenderly massage his balls, swallowing more of his cock with each next second that passes.

“God, yes, that’s it, Ben, just don’t stop doing _that_ ,“ Martin pleads, a strained groan leaving his throat once Ben starts using both his mouth and hand at once, his tongue rubbing swiftly and twirling around the warm throbbing flesh, his hand pumping almost viciously. Ben’s pink, beautifully shaped lips are a sin itself but this must be heaven, Martin thinks, stupid and pathetic but no other simile feels to be more convenient at the moment. Another whimper tears from his throat before he lets his head to fall back against the wall, too high on arousal to look at Ben’s hollowed cheeks as he sucks with such vigour, fulfilling Martin’s wildest, filthiest fantasies.

Ben’s eyes don’t leave Ben’s face even though Martin’s not looking anymore. He lets go off with a sloppy pop to tease him, sniggering at Martin’s face scrunched in disappointment.

“God, stop torturing me, Ben,“ Martin wails.

“I want you to enjoy it, Jesus, you’re so close, I can tell,“ Ben pants, grasping both Martin’s thighs firmly right before sinking down again, swallowing more than half the length of Martin’s cock. His mouth engulfed in heat and filled with saliva and Martin’s bitter pre-come is the only thing his mind can concentrate on so he can’t even hear Martin’s moans and gasps anymore as he keeps on sucking him off so enthusiastically. The very probable idea of Martin coming down his throat is staggering, just the thought of it draws a naughty groan out of his throat, a groan that vibrates around Martin’s cock. Ben doesn’t even notice the tightening grip on his curls, Martin’s nails scraping his scalp spasmodically seconds before Martin frantically thrusts into Ben’s mouth, seeing nothing but white noise anymore, everything’s fuzzy, buzzing, beating. The sound of Ben’s name, half-groaned, half-screamed cuts the air in the moment of Martin reaching the climax and it must be the dirtiest sound Ben has ever heard, he thinks, swallowing down each drop of Martin’s hot release.

“Fuck, _Ben,_ what the - bloody – hell –“ Martin breathes hard and heavily, incapable of uttering any other words, not until he finally comes back to his sense. He’s aware of Ben’s tongue, licking his softening cock clean and yet he doesn’t risks a glance at him until Ben crawls closer on all fours by himself, collapsing over Martin’s torso, with a goofy, pleased smile on his lips, thin stream of saliva still rolling down his chin. He looks positively dishevelled and yet, there’s nothing imperfect about him in the moment.

“I-I can’t believe you’ve just done that-that-that was-“

“Save your breath, sweetheart,“ Ben chortles, leaning in for a wet kiss before quickly climbing off the bed. He returns sooner Martin even managed to notice he’s gone, small paper towel in his hand.

“T-thank you,“ Martin stutters out, his mind evidently still soaring in the sky so Ben doesn’t even bother saying anything just yet. He wipes the little of mess they’ve made off Martin’s belly, pecking Martin’s pink cheek once again before wobbling back toward the bathroom.

“What do you want for breakfast?“

“B-breakfast?“

“ _Breakfast_ ,“ Ben nods, once appearing in the doorway again. “Meal you eat in the morning, Martin, remember?“ he goads, leaning against the doorframe before proceeding to put the toothbrush into his mouth.

“Oh my God, s-shut up, Ben,“ Martin splutters, this time not hesitating to snatch a pillow and toss in the direction Ben’s standing.

Ben flashes him a simple smirk in return,  no offended scowls, no quipping, but that might as well be because Ben’s mouth is full of toothpaste and spitting all around he would certainly not give off a very serious impression.

As soon as Ben disappears again a loud beep distracts Martin. He ignores it at first, too busy pulling on clear pants but whoever it is, they are rather persistent. He rolls his eyes at the idea of anyone disturbing him and Ben so early in the morning but he reaches for his bag anyway, rummaging for a while until he gropes his phone.

“What is this supposed to mean?!“

“What’s the matter?“

“I-I’ve just got mail from my publicists,“ Martin explains, frowning at the screen of his phone.

“Oh…“ Ben clears his throat, subtle, suspicious smile on his lips, the one that Martin doesn’t notice however. “So – so what does she say?“

“I just told you: _What is this supposed to mean?!_ “ Martin repeats, shaking his head confusedly. “Wait, she’s just sent me a link to – God, I bet it’s another made up story I am almost afraid to open it.“

“Maybe it won’t be that bad,“ Ben points out, sitting down next to Martin over the edge of bed.

Martin hesitates for a moment before he exhales loudly in resignation, clicking on the attached link. He blinks a couple of times upon reading the title ‘ _Are they an item_?’, eyes jumping from Ben to text and then to Ben again as he reads the article but his face is as stone cold and stolid as if he was completely incapable of showing any emotion. Ben gulps at the sight, hot rush of guilt flushing throughout his entire body in fear he’s screwed up again but then Martin grabs him by his nape all of a sudden, pulling him into a long, deep kiss that ends with both of them giggling against each other’s lips, their foreheads pressed together.

“I conclude you’re not mad then,“ Ben sighs in relief.

Martin arches an eyebrow. “Mad? So it was _you_? But how-when-“

“It doesn’t matter. These rumours are out now and there’s nothing standing in our way anymore. I know I didn’t ask you and… and I know you didn’t ask for any proof that I mean it seriously, but –“

“Oh, God, Ben, I-“

“No, wait, let me finish, please,“ Ben requests. “I wanted to ask – God, I’ve been thinking about it for such a long time and I’ve realised that there’s no better way how to do it. So – so, if you agree, we could… come _out_ – come out during the Sherlock screening next month?“

Martin gapes in disbelief, certain he must’ve heard wrong. “Do you mean this? S-seriously? Ben, I-I, God, I-“

“Say nothing, please. I don’t want to make a fuss out of it. I don’t want it to be a ridiculously pompous charade. I want to walk on stage with you, sit next to you and tell everyone once it’s already over so it won’t overshadow the entire event. It’s going to be bloody difficult anyway. Do you – do you agree?“

“ _Of course_ ,“ Martin nods feverishly, once again about to shorten the gap between their lips but Ben draws back.

“Just-just one more thing if I may ask,“ he says, taking a pause before actually continuing. “You’ve always been so fiercely protective of your privacy, Martin and yet… why is this _so_ important for you? Why everyone needs to know that we’re together?“

Martin bursts to nervous giggles. “It’s simple, easy,“ he replies after a moment, wrapping his arms around Ben’s shoulders, something odd and unfamiliar in his eyes. “I want everyone to know that I am yours and you’re mine, Ben. You have no idea how I feel every day, reading all these shitty articles –you - you can’t even talk to a woman without people thinking you’re dating her,“ Martin smiles sadly, glancing away but Ben catches his lips in a brief, smoothening kiss. “God, it’s pathetic, isn’t it?“ he snorts, pursing his lips. “I am just so mad and yes, so fucking jealous but more importantly – I am just bloody furious. Because we have to pretend in public and it’s tearing me apart that we’re together but when we’re walking down the street it’s like we’re not and it throws me back a few years and it hurts just so much. I am tired of hiding, Ben. I want to tell the entire world, because I am in love with you and it’s so unfair and absurd that just because we both have dicks we should not have the same right to show off this love. People might not understand or approve of it but why we should care? I want to let them know that neither of us is scared anymore. It’s our life - yours and mine – they’re not obliged to live it – God, are you crying Ben?“

“N-no,“ Ben fibs, blinking off the tears. “I just love you so much I feel like I might combust this very second. I feel like an utter cock for what I’ve done to you, Martin.“

“No, no, _no_ , enough,“ Martin protests, planting a kiss over Ben’s parted lips. “I have a much better idea than opening these old wounds,“ he cups Ben’s cheeks, smiling softly. “Breakfast. _Now_ , Ben, I am hungry like a wolf.“

“I can hear,“ Ben sniffs in laughter. “Toast? Scrambled eggs? Pancakes? Just ask, the fridge is full and I am prepared to fulfil each one of your wishes.“

“I’d eat anything right now. Anything that had no eyes before that is,“ Martin guffaws, pulling them both up to their feet.

“Don’t worry, I have no more surprises for you. Not any that’d end up on your plate anyway,“ Ben smirks suggestively, wrapping his arm around Martin’s waist as they walk.

“W-wait, so you do have a one. _Another_ , Ben?“

“Maybe,“ Ben shrugs, pecking Martin’s hairs. “One little surprise for you, but a gift for both of us, Martin,“ he smiles.


End file.
